When one is blessed by God with brilliant, vivid visions of delicious and revolutionary snack foods -- and I occasionally am -- it begs the question: “What now, O Lord?” The visions are a gift, to be sure, but also a burden. How do I alert others to this new culinary possibility, possessing of neither a potato chip company nor a fast food franchise? Can I pitch new snack ideas to Frito-Lay, in the same way I’d pitch a movie to Universal? If so, do I need to get a food agent before I’ll be let in the door? And it that’s true, how extensive must my body of work be before I’ll be considered for such representation? Until the Almighty shows me how to use my gifts, I offer the following as a partial portfolio to any movers-and-shakers in the industry:

Honey Sprite

Peanut Butter and Jelly. Cookies and Milk. Some flavors go so well together that one wonders how life might have been before they were combined for the first time. With any luck at all, we’ll look back on the years before Honey Sprite as a drab, depressing era with little to live for. Think about it -- Sprite and 7-Up are already successfully mixed with other flavors (cherry, and …vodka), and other beverages have already set a precedent for citrus/honey combinations (what are the two things you’re supposed to add to tea when you’re sick?). So why has no one made what seems to be this obvious logical leap? It would have to be better than Pepsi with Lemon, or Berries & Cream Dr. Pepper. I’ve actually tried making this myself with real honey, and the flavor is a delight. So listen hard, soft drink companies (or Sonic): Start to work on creating a convincing-tasting synthetic honey, and call me to negotiate my royalties.

Gravy Burgers

For this item, my idea isn’t necessarily a finished product, but rather a springboard for a vast myriad of new sandwich possibilities. I begin my noting that nearly every conceivable sauce has found a home on hamburgers -- ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, and chili are all standard by now. Recent innovations have made ranch dressing a nationwide favorite, and more adventurous grills will slap on marinara sauce and mozzarella for a “pizza burger.” Second, I point out that gravy has been scientifically proven to be good on everything. Biscuits, potatoes, chicken strips, sausage … whatever you please. So present the same question begged by the previous entry -- Why has no nationwide restaurant made the baby step to gravy on burgers? Once this delicious combination has been recognized, there seems to be no end to variations on theme. Imagine a “Shepard’s Burger”: meat patty, covered in gravy, sprinkled with shredded cheddar cheese, and topped with a toasted bun that has been smeared with a thin layer of mashed potatoes. If you ain’t hungry, you have lost your will to live.

In conclusion, it is time for fast food restaurants to stop “innovating” their menu by merely changing the size of pre-existing items (New popcorn chicken! New thickburger!), or -- even worse -- introducing salads. It is time to heed my prophesies, and truly shake up the snack world. Please. I need a job.