- Humor in Uniform
- Relaxing in my bunk at Fort Bragg after a tiring day of boot camp, I noticed a stealthy group of blue gnomes entering the barracks. I was alarmed to see them march under my bunk, because the first thing the Army teaches you, after how to levitate with the power of your mind, is that blue gnomes can grow really fast (especially the males). I tried to wake up my bunkmate so he wouldn't be crushed against the ceiling, but was stopped by invisible hands slapping my face and the voice of my lovely wife of 35 years yelling, "Quit yer flailin', Arnold! It's the flashbacks, dammit! Every time I wake up to this, I feel like I'M the one they tested the LSD on!" I'm pretty sure the gnomes got Leonard.
- Life in These United States
- Every Sunday my father-in-law and I like to go fishing for a short time in his pond after church. While the wives are cooking a delicious Sunday dinner inside, my father-in-law and I love to share a few old fishing stories, complete with the lies that fisherman love to tell. I finished embellishing the tale of my most recent fishing trip to Canada when he tuned to me and said, "Oh yeah—back in ’45 we’d a slapped an immigrant and sent him back to New Delhi, or wherever it is he came from."
Virtual Hilarity- All day long my youngest boy Cody spends on those amazing internet-based video games -- the kind that you play on the 'net with tousands of other people around the world. Because of the incredible personal connections it provides, I encourage the habit -- although sometimes I roll my eyes at his marathon gaming sessions. One night, Cody was well into his sixth hour of playing and it was far beyond his bedtime when I went to knock on his door and tell him that it was time to wrap it up. "Go away;" he said, "I’m almost a level 40 mage." But when I entered the room, he was nowhere near a 40 level mage. He was masturbating.
- Life in These United States
- While I was driving through a seedy area of Dayton, I noticed that sandwiched between a check cashing establishment and a liquor store sat a storefront with all of its windows suspiciously blacked out. Over the door was a sign that proudly declared, "Gold 4 Yo Mouth."
All in a Day's Work- I'm a high school chemistry teacher and I started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles." I noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked him why. "Well," he replied sincerely, "I was having a daydream about anal sex."
Humor in Uniform- Because my husband is in the Air Force, I recieve medical benefits from the government. When I was pregnant with my first child, we filled out the necesary forms to get my hospital stay for delivery approved. However, when we got the bill, it showed that the hospital never received payment. When I called to inquire, I got a full explanation. "We're incompetent, ma'am."
Life in These United States- It was my husband’s 40th birthday, and I decided to surprise him with his idea of a perfect evening. I cooked his favorite meal of steak and onion rings, put a bow on a six pack of beer, and made sure the television was turned to the big football game. However, I became a bit concerned when he hadn’t come home at his usual time. Curious, I called his business partner to see if he had been held late at work. I was left red-faced when he reminded me of what I’d overlooked: “Colleen, your husband died in a car accident three years ago!”
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